I have been feeling extremely sub-par this past week. Perhaps you know that space where no matter what you are doing, there is always this undercurrent of “sadness”. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it, nor grasp its message. It has only been building, not releasing.
I kept responding to my daily calls. I did what was required. I even went above and beyond the call of duty. Add two sick kids to the mix, continual misunderstandings between my partner and I, and there is only one predictable outcome: SAP.
Much of this sappiness is attributed to overall exhaustion and burnout. Running around the hamster wheel over and over and not getting anywhere. Although I know the truth is that is just purely my perspective. If I look at the big picture, I know progress is being made, commitments fulfilled, healing transpiring but somehow I can’t shake this FEELING of sadness.
There is a lump in my throat that I have been carrying around for days, and no, its not a frog or the onset of sickness ( somehow I’ve managed to bypass this bout of coughy croupy crap). Today, it bursted…WIDE OPEN.
I found myself face down in the laundry basket in the backseat of my car…sobbing, heaving, stroking the soft purple shrug on the top of the pile of clean clothes. I marveled at the image my mascara made on that soft purple shrug as it mixed with my salty tears and ran in perfect strokes over the fabric. Funny how I can spend two hours working on one little 3inch painting and it only takes 30 seconds to make an abstract masterpiece when bawling my eyes out.
I still don’t know exactly what it was that finally pushed me over the edge. I think it was just all the weight I’ve been carrying around in regards to everything and everyone. Trying intellectually to let it all go. It obviously wasn’t working. What needed to happen was I need to FEEL the release, let it shake free from body, my soul. I had to flush it out with so much force so my swollen puffy eyelids would remind me hours later of my ultimate collapse and how I finally gave up on holding composure and remaining in (illusionary) control.
I am left an empty open vessel. I feel like a baby, vulnerable, free, suspicious. It is then that I need my MaMa. Mama Earth. This is when I go just lay my whole body on her in a warm soft spot. I place my palms down on the earth, turn my face toward the sun and sink into her embrace. I just let her hold me, support me, brush the breeze of her fingertips through my hair. I lay there until I feel back in my center. I feel calm, relaxed, slow and intentional. I almost feel drunk, but clear. I know my head will pound later and my eyes will scream at me to just seal shut, but my spirit, my soul will be light, open and free.
In honor of this huge release and recognizing my need to be a SAP, I built a small little rock carin altar next to the spot where I nestled in mama earth’s arms. It was of course appropriate that this sculpture of temporary balance be topped with a little piece of pine SAP!
As I was making the altar, these little guys came out of hiding and began patroling the area
and the one thing in the world that can cheer you up after spending so much time trudging through gooey sappiness
your 9-year-old finding a spotted woodpecker feather in the “front yard”