Today’s altar was very simple, although simple is not what got me there…
It had to be. It had to get back to the heart. My heart. The heart that knows love and compassion. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the dark, the depths, the black to the white, the yin to the yang. In fact Being in the depths of the darkness of my human experiences is often where my greatest transformations happen. Dwelling in the deep is second nature to me, and I can wallow in this space for indiscriminate amounts of time.
Seems unlikely, right? Well, just ask my psyche….or even my boyfriend for that matter. Although I am a devoted explorer of those places where fear, insecurity, doubt, suffering, pain, loss, and symbolic deaths reign it is not unheard of for me to get stuck here. When I allow myself to be a victim of these harsh cyclical thoughts and behavior patterns, is when I find myself in deep shit. By deep shit I mean, giving my personal power away, reacting in particular ways and saying things that I find myself either having to apologize for or upon reflection fill me with guilt, shame, and regret. Despite the fact that these scenarios have their place, (for ultimately they illuminate epiphanies about my darker nature becoming a catalyst for monumental change), I don’t always treat this side of my personality with love and compassion. It is a very hard, judgmental, critical, ruthless approach to bashing my ego. It has almost cost me my most cherished relationship a few times more than I’d like to admit. I am grateful he loves me so.
The key component that I seem to easily forget when the shadow side creeps in, is the importance of having compassion for my current state of being. I forget to love myself in these moments when I feel as if I am at my worst. Unfortunately, those closest to me end up being projected upon. This is the super shit part.
So, this week, it became a priority for me to express kindness, love and compassion. This doesn’t necessarily mean I go trolloping around spreading pixie dust everywhere I go. (yes, trolloping is a word). maybe. But, rather I practice honoring myself no matter what dark or light space I may currently be immersed in. That it is ALL part of me. It is about offering myself love and compassion when that self-critic kicks in, or the old karmic pattern slaps me in the face and demands I obey. It is also about illuminating and honoring the the space when I am extending this love, kindness and compassion to others, because I recognize that they find themselves in these dark places too.