What is it really like to be me?

It’s fucking hard, people

don’t get me wrong..

of course there is magic, beauty, love, bliss, appreciation, gratitude

I am constantly humbled

rearranged

reborn

that is what you normally see……….the part that is reborn

that person with new insight, breath, creativity, hope renewed and restored

but let me tell you

there is another side to this story

it’s the story nobody wants to hear about.

it is your story too, don’t deny it

it’s the one we wont’ show because ….*gasp* we might be judged, condemned, shunned for not being perfect

well, I’m here to tell you

the other  side is fucking hard, its dark, it hurts

it is lonely,

haunting

solitary

eyes bulge from my head from the rivers that flood every ounce of my skull…….my ……whole being

the sorrows, the pain, the losses

the grief

the disbelief, the uncertainty, doubt, insecurity, and CRAP….

the fucking crap heap….the one…you know…..that I stake claim in as Queen of

Queen of Crap heap

struggle, fight, resist, wallow

ego, battered, bruised, down trodden, pompous and righteous

disbelief

again…..why ? How? did I get here again?

sinking deeper into the dark dank smelly shit

until, finally, even that is enough

enough already……this sucks too

and I get pissed…….

only to be sad again

the entire spectrum of human emotion experienced in one album

every song, a lifetime of emotion

repeat, repeat, repeat…

the record skips

a moment

a pause

in between the repetitions

a moment for reconsideration

nobody said it was easy

“take me back to the start”

play it again Sam

I am at my best

when I am in deep

when I feel….feel…..feel………feeeeeeeeeeeel

being in the wave

in and out

in and out

this is real

this ……. is…….real…..

so don’t let my optimistic enthusiasm and enlightenment fool you

Owning the place of Queen of the Shit Pile comes first

only then am I privileged enough to see the flip side

only then does magic become magic

only then am I liberated

only then am I set free….

Advertisements